Love is just a word I heard . . .

So what is love? A pink valentine heart, or a ring from Kay Jewelers?

Does love mean “never having to say you’re sorry?”

Looking back on the songs, slogans and stories that papered my path to adulthood, I’d say there’s plenty of confusion about what love is, and how it’s shown. Free love? Make love not war?

No surprise that we carry the hope that love will be easy, convenient, and always make us feel good. Yet, a quick scan through the gospels tells a different story: Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

We’ve all heard the chapter from 1 Corinthians: “love is patient, love is kind . . .” Ah, and we’ve been instructed to insert our own names in place of love: “Carol is patient, Carol is kind.” Well, maybe. Some days.

Love has a cost. Even when it comes to loving our kids, our spouses, our parents, our friends. Would you lay down your life for me?

But the cost that comes to mind, for me, is more immediate, more pressing, more to the point: Would you give me an hour? Ten minutes? Five?

Two important books about teens suggest that for kids, time is the currency of love, and in a world where kids are overscheduled and parents are stretched thin, a lack of time translates into a sense of isolation, abandonment, and distance.

Patricia Hersch’s A Tribe Apart: A Journey into the Heart of American Adolescence, written over a decade ago, describes a

“vague mass of kids growing up in a world that rushes past them until one of them steps out of the shadows and does something extraordinarily wonderful or troubling, outrageous or awful. The rest of the time, especially for the average, everyday kid who goes along not making waves, the adult world doesn’t pay much attention. Adults . . . are happy the kids are old enough to be on their own. Besides, most believe adolescents prefer being left on their own. ”

Chap Clark’s Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers, is a similar look from a slightly different vantage point (West Coast instead of East, overtly Christian rather than secular, 2004 rather than 1999, youth pastor vs. journalist). Clark’s conclusions echo and affirm Hersch’s. He talks about “systemic cultural abandonment,” in which programs, systems, structure, competition, take the place of one-on-one parenting.

This question of time is huge for me: my own job drives me to plan programs, organize activities, manage logistics, when I know what of most our kids need most is an hour over coffee talking, thinking, wondering, or a safe place to cry, or some unstructured fun.

Love is measured in minutes, hours, days: time spent watching, listening, laughing, praying. Time with no agenda, no destination, no “bottom line.” Time that puts the person first, despite the ticking of the clock, the long “to do” list, the insistent deadline.

Which reminds me of that first “love is” in 1 Corinthians 12: “Love is patient.”

Love walks slow, listens long, spends time.

Check this blog for a detailed summary of Hurt's book, with comments and suggestions. At the bottom there are also some interesting ideas about setting boundaries on kids' technology. And check the reading list on the right for info about Hurt's more recent parenting books.